hipsync blog

discovering myself in corporeal form
dropped in a landscape
a fixed point in this latitude
spiralling the longitude back into my spine
unravelling from a sight line, an upward gesture, a mudra,
charting points of importance down the body
from the third eye to the small of the back

falling down in caste, eyes cast down sweeping
praying, cooking, driving, dancing
these actions, an ascension
forming a possibility without losing control
no tragic accidents like Frida’s trolley car
a skeleton impaled
corporeality disperses

Floating and falling
Move from your head to your heart
Move from the horizontal path to the vertical
No expectations

grab the rail of the rickshaw
follow a scent
chasing your tail
I grasp the essence of myself
as a handful of dust
a life cremated, scattered
the left hand has the destiny you were born with
the right hand swims up the waterfall

for a moment I think I recognize someone in the distance
but it’s a mirage, a remembered pain, a longing lost, a grief swallowed and seeping through me

the past still clings to my trouser leg
and in my weaker moments it drags me back there
when I pulled my hands free, pulled the tape off, ran into the next room, into the corner, pressing into the corner, trying to press myself wafer thin to slide behind the cupboard, to melt into the wall, into the darkness
my mind is running fast away but my body is frozen
there’s a flashlight on me

I was next to the door
I was right next to the door

My image of myself now
What are they seeing when they look at me?

Opening my heart means shaking off all those old needs,
expectations that tied me down
Carried my grief like a tumour below the surface
Poisoning my capacity to move on
Wearing my mistakes as fractures in my skeleton
Holding disappointments in my tendons
Loneliness thickening my blood
Regrets stinging my eyes
Running fast, busy, circling, pounding through, pushing,
Breaking myself in like a wild horse, foaming, beaten

This country is acting upon me like a leech
Drawing the poisons up to the surface
Bleeding me
I feel like I am opening
Standing up
The sands pouring off me
The skin softening
The muscles melting
The bloodstream beginning to quicken

My thoughts are slowing
My eyes are focussing
The panic is a dot in the distance

We share a private moment, a vulnerability, a clue to the other
Head to knee, hand to throat, shoulder to elbow, the backs of our necks, third finger to solar plexus, shoulder to stomach, her foot in my hand

Whatever you love, you are
Until we are falling, catching, dying, resurrecting
Water, earth, dust, air